When You Know What You Want
by Royal Typewriter
Summary: Finding what you want is never easy.
1. Confrontations

When You Know What You Want

I have no idea what I want.

It didn't really occur to me until recently that this was so. I'd been going by what was proper, not by what I actually thought.

I suppose up till now, I hadn't thought there was a difference.

Everyone is thrilled with the idea of Simon and I courting. And why shouldn't they be? He's certainly handsome, charming, and well-to-do. Personally I couldn't care less about the last bit, but to people like Grandmama it's key.

People like her. I'm not so sure about me.

I don't seem to be doing so well with this whole setup. It does not surprise me, as I can never do anything right. Not like Felicity, who has the suitors lining up at the door in all her grace, charm and beauty…

It appeared to be a good idea, but the more I think of it, the more I realize that perhaps I wasn't meant for an actual relationship with a man. At least not with Simon. The conflicting feelings are overwhelming.

I feel obligated to be attracted to him, for the sake of appearances, but at the same time, I can't bring myself to say more than two words to him in public. It's as though I'm avoiding the fact that he's right there with me.

The concept makes no sense, I know. I also seem to have taken up the habit of pretending not to hear when he bids me goodnight after being on any number of our constant outings. I know what I _should_ do, but who wants to do what they should?

I shall tell you. No one.

The man makes me almost uneasy.

Not like Kartik. Every day, Kartik becomes more of a best friend to me, and every day it becomes more difficult to imagine life without him. We spend more time together, sometimes just talking in the stables for hours. He has begun to open up to me. He has also gotten into the habit of giving me a flower each day. It's a different one every time…yesterday, it was a purple wildflower, and today he has managed to find a daisy amidst the autumn bareness.

I find myself hoping that the Rakshana do not suddenly decide they need him elsewhere.

I need him here.

Of course, being the nitwit I am, I try and convince myself otherwise. And I am beginning to get the feeling that Simon's patience with me is wearing thin.

I am proven right later in the week. We have just come back from a walk in the park and tea at a local restaurant, and now we are sitting in the library. Simon looks as though he has something to say, and knowing him, it's only a matter of seconds.

"Gemma, what is the problem here?" Simon is clearly annoyed. I cannot tell if he is angry yet, but even I can sense that unless I try and fix this, he will be.

"I—I…" _Marvelous, Gem. That smoothed things over wonderfully._

"You...you're always running off talking to that Kartik character, you hardly talk to me whenever we're together…you practically ignore me half the time I'm with you."

At first I do not have anything to say to this, partly because I realize it is true.

"You don't even say 'goodbye' anymore. Is a little acknowledgement too much to ask?" His voice is rising steadily, and he runs his hand through his hair, watching me expectantly. "Is it?"

"Simon, I…I'm sorry, I'm new at this, you have to give me time…"

"New at _what_?"

"New at…at everything. I've never _had_ an actual courting before this. I don't know what I'm supposed to do or not do yet. I'm learning, Simon!" My pitch is matching his, and already I can see that this unnerves him.

"I can understand being new at it, after all that time you spent away from civilized people, but correct me if I'm wrong, I didn't think basic courtesy was something foreign to you."

My cheeks are blazing. I have already broken one of the most important rules of being a lady; do not contradict a man, for it is not your place. Right now, my temper is flaring, and I could care less about what my place is.

"I said I was sorry." It is all I can do to keep myself from crying out. I'm already beginning to shake with fury.

"A load of good that'll do me." He paces the floor for a moment, then turns with a strange look on his face. "I don't think the issue is that this is 'new to you' at all."

"Oh?" My fists are clenching so tightly, my nails are digging into my skin. _Harder._

"No." Now he begins to make his way toward me. Slowly, but deliberately. His way of making a point. Male pride. _Closer_.

"I think there is something more to you and Kartik than you like to let on."

"He drives our _coach_, for heaven's sake. What would I possibly want to do with him?"

"Why don't you tell me." He picks up a paperweight and tosses it lightly. Up and down. _Faster._ "Considering you're always off with him doing _who knows what…_"

"I have done nothing with him but talk!"

"Or have you?" He, too, is struggling to control himself.

"What are you accusing me of?"

"I have said nothing, only mentioned that I find it strange how you two always seem to be together." He pauses. "I bet you don't forget to tell _him_ goodbye."

"This is ridiculous!" Before I can stop myself, I have drawn myself up to my full height, eye level with him.

_Don't be the first to look away, Gem. Do not avert your eyes, or he will have won._

Strange that my father's words would be echoing in my head at a time like this.

"It wouldn't be ridiculous if I were to mention these strange happenings to someone of consequence." He blinks, but never looks away.

"Do not threaten me." The words are out of my mouth before I can stop them.

"It would be your word against my own, Miss Doyle." He smirks. "And honestly. Look at you. You think anyone would believe you?"

"I have done nothing." My voice is barely above a whisper.

"Haven't you?" He hooks his thumb and forefinger around the flower I plaited into my hair. The flower Kartik gave me. "This does not look like 'nothing'."

"Don't be this way, Simon."

"What way?" he jerks his arm back, causing the flower to fall to the ground where he crushes it under his shoe. "Just because I want you to start acting like a lady, and stop fooling around with heathens before you become a _total_ whore?"

I lose myself then. The sound of my balled fist against his jaw echoes through the quiet room, and everything goes silent. Simon slowly brings his head up, where blood is pouring through his cut mouth. He spits it towards my boot and I recoil, but not quickly enough. He grabs my arm and yanks me forward.

"Learn your place, Gemma." He lets go long enough to draw back his free hand. Before I can dodge it, the force of the blow has nearly knocked me over. I bite my lip and sense the familiar coppery taste stinging my tongue.

We are both breathing heavily as I straighten myself, and blindly reach for my hat. I make my way to the door, but right before I can leave, he seizes my arm again.

The insane spark is still in his eyes. "You deserved it, Gemma."

I pull myself free defiantly. "That's Miss Doyle to you."

And I am gone.

I stumble to the carriage where Kartik is lounging, feet up against one of the horses. He appears to be watching the clouds roll by. He starts upon hearing my footsteps. Takes in the sight of me, hair unruly, lips cut, entire body shaking.

"Gemma, what on Earth—?"

"Take me home, please?"

It is all I remember saying before the familiar tingling feeling begins to pull me under, and I lose myself once more.

Uh, wow. Normally I hardly ever do anything like this. But the mood struck me after I had a similar conversation with someone else…sans the blood, mind you…

Anyway, I'm thinking of continuing, but I'm not sure if I should just keep it a one-shot.

Let me know, that's what the reviews are for.


	2. Explanations

Chapter 2.

When I wake, Kartik is sitting above me, a look of concern on his face. I glance around long enough to recognize that we are back at home, and I am laying in the stables.

"Do you ever get tired of shocking me like this?"

I sit up and wince at the pain on my right cheek. "No."

Kartik attempts a smile, but he still looks upset. "What happened to you back there?"

"I was asserting my womanhood."

"God help us all." He gives me a look of mock fear. "We know what _you're_ like when you get fired up."

"Well…I did. Get fired up, I mean."

"Put that Middleton in his place, have you?" There is no mistaking the feisty gleam in his dark eyes.

"Sort of."

"Did he hit you?" The sparkle is gone now.

"I—…"

"Gemma, darling! Supper!" Grandmama's voice carries through the yard and into the stable.

I want desperately to tell Kartik the whole account, but we are expecting company tonight. There is no room for what I want. I give him an apologetic glance as I hurry back to the house.

Tom is waiting by the door, looking flustered.

"Gemma, we have company."

"Brilliant deduction, Thomas."

"Don't get this way with me." He leans in. "It's the Wheeler family. Friends of the Middletons. Please don't mess this up."

"Tom…" my voice falters a bit. I wish people would stop assuming I'm just going to ruin things. "Have a little faith in me."

For some reason this quiets him and he simply nods as we walk to the parlor together.

"Mrs. Wheeler, may I present my sister, Miss Gemma Doyle." Tom is all charm as everyone nods politely in my direction.

There are a few brief introductions, and I see that the Wheeler boy is about my age. I have seen him at some of the social gatherings, though personally I have not gotten to know him.

Because 'time for supper' actually means 'supper will be ready in another hour', everyone wanders off to talk. My father and Grandmama remain in the parlor with Mr. and Mrs. Wheeler, and their son makes his way in my direction.

"Miss Doyle?" he looks at me quizzically, with eyes that are such a penetrating blue that I find them fascinating.

"Call me Gemma, Mr. Wheeler."

"If I get to call you Gemma, then you can call me Alex."

"I think I've seen you a few times."

" I know you have. You're involved with Simon, yes?"

His tone of voice has changed and it makes me a bit nervous.

"Somewhat…I suppose." I will myself not to remember our most recent encounter. "Why do you ask?"

"He's…ah, mentioned you." I _really_ don't like the way his voice is now. It has a sort of guilt to it. There is something he isn't telling me.

"Mentioned me how?"

"Oh, I really shouldn't…I mean we shouldn't…oh…this lovely weather, do you think it will last?"

Men are so strange.

"I think you should answer my question, Alex."

"Gemma, it's not my business…"

To this, I say nothing. I find that if one stays silent long enough, it helps keep things moving.

"Okay, okay. But don't blame me if it upsets you."

Upsets me? I feel a strange sort of knot form in my stomach.

"Why would it upset me?"

Alex sighs lightly and takes a seat on one of the stairs. I join him.

"Gemma, it's really not right, some of the things he says."

"What does he say?"

"Oh…nothing really…that is, I mean…well…look…you must know by now that Simon is a fairly…physical person?"

I can't help remembering the time we all experimented with the absinthe.

"Erm, yes."

"Well, it's just...he likes to talk about you. Physically. Leave it at that?" Alex looks dreadfully uncomfortable.

"Has he said anything?"

"And I quote. 'She wouldn't even want to know what I'd do if I got the chance.'"

"_What?_" I can only imagine what my bewilderment must look like. My eyes are about as wide as they can go, and my mouth is hanging open in shock. I quickly close it.

Alex doesn't say anything.

I can't really blame him, because what is there to say?

"Am I to understand that he is using me?" I ask finally.

"In a way."

There is a longer silence, and we are both looking away. I play with my glove, and Alex rests his head on the banister.

"What should I do?" I whisper.

"You need to figure out something."

"Obviously." I glance at him. "But what kind of 'something'?"

"Try talking to him?"

At this, we both look at each other and laugh. It breaks the tension slightly.

"I've already tried that," I say.

"How did that work out?"

I give a half-snort, half-sigh and gesture towards my new bruise.

"He didn't!" Alex looks even more alarmed than I did. "What on earth possessed him to do such a thing? I know he's got a temper, but to strike a lady!"

"Try telling him that. He's your friend, isn't he?"

"I don't even know anymore. He's always so aggressive these days, and he's always had a short temper, but it's getting ridiculous. It's not the same as back when we used to just be able to talk. See a picture show. Have a good time."

I feel sorry for him. I know what it is to have a ridiculously aggressive friend who is also low on patience. The only difference is perhaps that Felicity can be all these things and still look good doing it. Simon, I'm not so sure.

"I understand."

We sit quietly for a moment longer before the dinner bell rings in the distance.

"Shall we get to the table, then?" Alex stands up and offers me a hand. I accept, and we make our way downstairs.

As we near the dining hall, I turn out of habit and see Kartik leaning against one of the other doorways. I try to catch his attention, but he seems focused on the ceiling for some reason. I watch him for a moment. He lowers his head and we lock eyes. He blinks rapidly a few times, and he is gone.

**I think I know where I'm taking this now.**


End file.
